2020

2019 was a rough year for me, and I hear it was the same for many musicians. I’m ready to move on, and I’m listening to my gut for the new year.

I’ve always been called “a fighter”. I used to be proud of this, but it’s a romantic way of thinking about failure, at the end of the day. I always thought I’d fight my way to the end and be the “last one standing”, but there’s always a new person in the ring that’s never had to fight, or has a coach that fights for them too, or just has shinier wrestling shorts.

I’ve been fighting my entire life, and I’m exhausted: I’ve decided that I’m not going to do it anymore.

I think back to the many years of carpooling to per-service orchestra jobs, and nearly everyone that rode in my car has had a Broadway chair, plays with great orchestras regularly, or has won a major audition. I’m so tired of not being able to be happy for anyone’s success. I have played great shows and concerts and thought to myself, “too bad this doesn’t matter, because you’ll never be anywhere but here for the rest of your life.” I want to be a horn player again, and not a “nobody freelancer”. I’m choosing not to make career decisions out of money worries or hopes that my life will change overnight.

Lately, I’ve felt a call to start playing different kinds of music, and I’m going with it. Practicing and arranging this music is the most musically inspired I’ve felt in years, except for those rare orchestral weeks that are filled with pure joy. I am accepting that I am a great sub for other horn players, and that’s probably all I’ll ever be. I am accepting that people who have played with me for seven years in different pits still don’t know my name. Will I take auditions? Maybe. For the first time in my life, I feel relieved, and I’m not totally sure why. I still have to remind myself every day to choose to be happy with where I am and what I have. I am so tired of watching everyone run the race and flourish, and giving up that ambition feels right for now, because it turns into jealousy and self-loathing when it bears no results. Maybe I’ll run again later.

For years, I felt a special sting when someone suggested that the world go vegan, so one day I just answered the call and did it. After 20 days of eating vegan, I feel great and I know this was the right decision. I’m feeling that same impulse to stop trying to get a job for my own sake and to play new music. I hope the results will be the same.

I also hope that, in this new year upon us, that you too can get a break from whatever might be keeping you from being the musician or person you truly want to be.